A Simple Truth
and I don't need Sweeney Tod! Nur drei tage bis ich reise zu Israel!
In just a few hours, I am checking in for my flight to Israel aka Utah. I'm very excited. These eight months have been long and difficult, but I am ready to see the mountains and sky again.
During these eight months, I believed I've learned some more of my personality, ideas and perspectives. Or maybe a better way of phrasing it would be that I have realized these ideas, thoughts and truths. Understanding these ideas, thoughts and truths are a different matter.
I shaved my head! After almost 20 years of long dredlocks, I shaved my head! I love it. I like not having hair. I let go of things like make-up and the activities and rituals woman practice many years ago, but my hair was this strange vestige from the days when I lived my life as a person fully invested in gender. Now, I'm this plain person with no hair and it's as though I have a different life. I am the same person or I believe that I am the same person, but I don't have this long hair that attracts the gaze and thoughts of others, my lips and eyes are not accentuated with lipstick and mascara. I live my life in loose-fitting, androgynous clothing and I have this perception that I have more freedom. If I think of it deeply, what I really have is the freedom from being concerned with how I appear to others. "Am I attractive to other people?" I don't have any interest or concern with that aspect of human interaction.
This idea of physical beauty and being attractive according to my standards of beauty and desirability, I have managed to maintain a reasonable weight during these eight months. I originally had the idea in my mind that I would utilize the opportunity of this difficult experience to "shred" my body and develop my ideal androgynous body. But, in the midst of this horrible Winter, the effort and exertion of carrying this rucksack in New York City, "shredding" would have been very uncomfortable and at the end of it, the only thing I would have been thinking of is how much my shoulders hurt and whether they were bleeding from all the weight of the rucksack.
Alas, I am a person of normal, reasonable weight. I am neither fat nor thin. The bag is heavy, but I can carry it. My shoulders do not bleed. I am healthy.
I believe that eventually, I am going to achieve the realization that my life does not require that I be as beautiful as what I admire. However, it does require that I be strong enough to carry this rucksack. Maybe, if Gd wills it, the experience of being a size 2 waif and a life that creates such a thing naturally is my future.
Jehan is a male given name. It is the old orthography of Jean in Old French, and is rarely given anymore.
- So sayeth Wikipedia, 07/20/2019 00:20:07take a guess